Active Listening
When we are speaking to other people about an important matter, they need to know that we are listening to them and that we understand what they are saying. We can do this by simply repeating the key parts of what someone has said to us or by putting it into our own words. This is Active Listening.
It does not mean that you agree with what the person is saying or feeling; it just says that you are listening to them. Active Listening also gives the person you are talking to a chance to hear what s/he has just said and decide if that is really what s/he meant to say.
Many people, especially children and spouses or partners, do not like to talk about their problems or feelings, because they think that what they are saying is not really being heard or respected. Being mindfully present, where you pay attention to what the other person is saying without judging. While listening, develop an attitude of interest, curiosity, acceptance, compassion, and receptiveness. The other person will feel valued.
Clear Expectations
When we want our children to do something, we should be as specific as possible about it. So, for example, if we are giving a specific request to do a chore, we would tell our child exactly how we want it done and when it needs to be finished. When we make our expectations clear, our children cannot say they did not know what to do or what we were expecting. This helps to reduce arguing because their understanding of completing the chore and ours were different.
Contracting
When we want our children to behave in a certain way or to perform a specific task, we can, with the help of our child, make up a list of those desired behaviors with the consequences which will follow completion/failure to complete the task. Because the parents and child do this together, it is called Contracting.
This skill lets children know exactly what is expected of them and what they can expect the consequences to be for their actions. This gives them the ability to have control in their lives. Also, if the consequences are appropriate, it will motivate them to do what they agreed to do. It is very important that we hold to the contract or only change it after speaking with our children. The advantage of Contracting is that children do not feel as if they are being ordered what to do.
This is especially helpful in working with adolescents who are old enough to help in the process and more likely to resent being ordered to do things. They appreciate being treated with respect when parents ask their opinions. It is often helpful to use Problem Solving described below to get a better understanding of problems before Contracting. This also helps children learn there are many different ways of solving problems and conflict.
Several communication skills are useful when doing Contracting. Active Listening, so you can reflect what another person said without judging, encourages people to participate. Stating your difficulty with another person's behavior is best done with I Messages. Using Prompts to guide a child toward a solution rather than telling them your solution will cause the child to feel ownership of the solution, and feel valued. Using Clear Expectations will lessen conflict from later misunderstandings about specifically what was expected. If during the discussion you become frustrated or angry, Self-Talk can help you regain control.
I Message
Often, we want to let someone know that his/her action is making us feel unhappy, but we do not know how to start talking about it. An I Message is a good way to do this. For example, a mother may say to her son, who has not been doing his jobs, "I get upset when chores are not getting done after I ask you to do them. I would like the chores done before dinner without me having to remind you."
Notice that when using an I Message, the mother calmly states the problem and how it is making her feel. She also asks for what she would like to change. Although we may feel angry and want to shout, blame, and say nasty things to the other person, this will hurt our relationship with her/him and not solve the problem.
It is important that family members, especially children, understand that we do not hate or dislike them. Their behavior, which is something that they can change, is what upsets us. Giving them a clear, positive statement about what we expect or want will let them know what change to make.
Logical Consequences
A Consequence is an incentive or something unpleasant which comes after a behavior. It can change a behavior depending upon whether the behavior is rewarded (strengthened) or punished (weakened). Punishments or negative consequences can have undesirable side effects so in the long run it is more effective to use incentives or rewards. Parents should use a ratio of 4 or more positive parenting skills such as praise or rewards for every 1 criticism or negative consequence that is used.
As much as possible, use logical consequences as these teach children better than arbitrary consequences, or those that are not related to the misbehavior. Logical consequences: • require the intervention of an adult or other children • are respectful, reasonable and related to the misbehavior • separate the deed from the doer • require parent’s recognition of why the child misbehaved • are logically related to the misbehavior • show consideration for the social rules of living • enable action and minimal talking • involve the parent's skillful intervention in the spirit of help, not coercion or force; parents develop a plan before the misbehavior and then follow through, consistently • are concerned with what will happen now rather than past behavior or scorekeeping • are given in a friendly way, not a technique to force or shame the child • allow the child to make a choice • reflect the parent’s goodwill rather than punishment and represent firmness rather than domination
Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and avoiding thoughts about the past or the future. When we are practicing Mindfulness we become more aware of our thoughts, feelings and the sensations we feel in our bodies in the present moment. When being Mindful we try to be open, curious and accepting of our thoughts, feelings and sensations and avoid being judgmental and critical. Being mindful increases self control. Instead of automatically reacting to our situation we have a better ability to choose how we will respond.
By focusing on the present moment we are less likely to become angry or fearful. Anger usually is fueled by negative thoughts from our past. Anxiety is usually increased by worrying about the future. Some exercises that can help mindfulness are being aware of your breath or noticing how thoughts and feelings come and go through your mind. As we become aware of how fleeting thoughts or feelings come and go we become less attached to them and it is easier to rise above them. Whenever possible, develop an attitude of interest, curiosity, acceptance, compassion, and receptiveness.
Planned Ignoring
If a behavior is ignored it will over time be less likely to occur. To use planned ignoring, you do not look at the person or talk to them. Instead you turn away, keep your facial expression blank, talk to someone else or just leave the room. For Planned Ignoring to work you need to increase your attending (see above) to the positive opposite of problem behavior. The positive opposite behavior for whining is talking in a calm normal tone of voice. If you wish to teach your child that whining results in being ignored then it is critical to Attend to your child when she speaks in a calm, appropriate tone of voice.
Children will often do whatever it takes to get our attention. Use your attention to encourage what you want to see, not to reward negative behavior. When parents first use planned ignoring children’s poor behavior may temporarily increase. Children do this because in the past poor behavior was usually an effective way to gain parent attention. If parents continue to ignore the problem behavior it will eventually decrease. Some children may resort to aggression when Planned Ignoring is first used. If this happens parents can respond with Logical Consequences described above. When applying consequences it is important to avoid arguing or lecturing or become emotional, or angry because these are forms of attention which can accidentally reward and increase poor behavior.
Point Systems
Point systems are useful when parents want to organize a way to encourage their children to show more cooperative behavior. If parents are not in the habit of giving a lot of positive attention to cooperative behavior (doing chores, homework, getting along with siblings, speaking respectfully), point systems can help develop these good habits. With point systems, parents expectations are clearly written down. This is best done for chores by creating a job description with your child for each chore, so there are Clear Expectations. The behaviors to be improved are written down on a chart, on the left side going from top to bottom. The days of the week are written down across the top of the chart (see example in workbook for a full list). Each time a behavior is done, the child checks it off on the chart. In this way, children receive consistent feedback when the parent notices the improvement and shows appreciation.
An important part of point systems is to give children additional incentives, beyond parental appreciation. These include privileges, fun activities, and things the children want such as movie tickets, video rentals, music downloads, etc. See Rewards for a full list. Point systems are usually used for a fairly short period until good habits and more responsible behavior is developed. It is important that parents continue to show appreciation when children are showing an effort to make these changes, after earning points has been discontinued. Giving children additional or special privileges is one way of showing appreciation. You want to move towards a natural rhythm where everyone in the family contributes to things getting done and people get along. Everyone in the family gets support, affection, and attention because of this.
Point systems can be misused when parents hold normal privileges over their children's heads, withholding them until children obey. Then, children may do the minimum to earn points without getting into the spirit of helping out around the house, or demand points for every little thing.
Praise
Praise is an important way to let our children know how much we appreciate their efforts. When children receive praise and feel appreciated, they are motivated to work hard. Praise should be (1) enthusiastic and (2) specific; it should include (3) verbal and (4) nonverbal elements, such as a smile or a gentle touch; and it should be (5) frequent and (6) immediately follow the desired behavior. When we want children to learn a new behavior we should praise it every time it occurs. Over time we can praise less often as the new behavior becomes more of a habit. We should never eliminate praise or appreciation completely with our children or our partner. Behavior that is ignored completely or not reinforced in some other way will stop being used. The following are useful examples of praise:
That’s really smart (or clever!) This is hard but I know you can do it You are important to our family (team, classroom) because you’re the one who does… That's really nice! Thank you very much. I like the way you're working. Keep up the good work. That's quite an improvement. (Now you’ve worked it out!) Much better effort. Good job. (It looks like you’ve worked hard on this.) What neat work. You really outdid yourself today. This kind of work pleases me very much. That's right! Good for you. Terrific! Very interesting! (Very creative!) (Good thinking!) I'm very proud of the way you worked (are working) today. Excellent work. I appreciate your help. Exactly right. Super. That's a good point. That's a very good observation. That's an interesting point of view. You've got it now. Nice going. You make it look easy. That's coming along nicely. Brilliant! You’re right on track now.
Problem Solving
To help solve repeat problems, it is very helpful to try a specific Problem Solving process in a family meeting. This works best with children who are old enough to be included in generating solutions and making agreement decisions (Contracting). There are five key steps to the Problem Solving process: 1) Each family member tells how they see the problem. 2) Each family member makes at least one suggestion for solving the problem, and someone writes down all the suggestions (no one is allowed to criticize any suggestion during this “brainstorming” step). 3) The family then discusses the advantages and disadvantages of each suggestion and decides which solution will work best. 4) Each person’s role in carrying out the agreement and the Consequences (positive and negative) for keeping or breaking the agreement are decided. 5) These are all included in a written agreement (contract) which is signed by everyone. 6) A time is set to evaluate the solution(s). If the plan did not work, begin the process at step 2. Contracts should not be changed without everyone agreeing to the change.
Prompts
Prompts set up a situation to make it more likely your child will cooperate with requests or tasks. This includes things like saying please or using a pleasant gentle tone of voice. They are very brief. Prompts include actions such as pointing to homework books or role modeling the behavior you would like your child to do such as doing a chore with your child or starting to do your child’s homework yourself. Prompts are more effective if they occur right before you wish your child to act. In the beginning prompts need to be followed by praise or other incentives to be effective. Over time Praise does not have to be used every single time and incentives can be phased out. Prompts replace nagging, as parents prompt just before the behavior is desired, rather than complain after the desired behavior didn't happen. This creates a more respectful and positive relationship.
Reframing
We are often too quick to assume our children or other people are deliberately choosing to upset us or have negative intentions. A reframe involves changing a negative interpretation of someone else's behavior to a more positive interpretation. This helps us to control anger because we are much more likely to lose our tempers if we think someone is trying to provoke us. For example, if we assume our children are avoiding doing their chores because they are defying our authority, we are more likely to become upset and angry. If we say to our selves most kids are allergic to chores and are just focused on putting off unpleasant tasks, then we are much less likely to get upset. Reframes are powerful because they change our mindset and feelings, so we react with more kindness. This, in turn, often causes cooperation and kindness in return. Using positive reframing will develop our compassion for others and make us happier in our relationships.
Role Modeling
One of the best ways to get our children to behave in a certain way is to behave that way ourselves, because children tend to copy the behavior of their parents. Thus, if we do not want our children to swear, shout, and hit one another, then we should not do these things ourselves. In general, children are most likely to do as we do, regardless of what we say. We are always teaching our children through role modeling, even when we are not aware of it. Developing awareness of our own feelings, thoughts, and actions in the present will help us become more aware of what we are role modeling. Then we can intentionally role model instead of teaching actions and attitudes without awareness.
Self-Talk
We are always talking to ourselves in our minds whether we are aware of it or not. Our Self-Talk greatly influences our feelings in positive or negative ways. Using Self-Talk on purpose, so that we can achieve our goals, gives us more control over our emotions. Our higher brain centers are involved when we use positive Self-Talk. When we use negative Self-Talk, this activates our lower brain centers and makes us angry, fearful, and stressed. Then it is impossible to make wise choices about how to respond.
Here are some examples of negative Self-Talk that increase anger and the likelihood we will lose self control: She is trying to drive me crazy. I’m going to give him a lesson he won’t forget. I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap.
Here are some examples of positive Self-Talk that help us to stay calm and make better choices: It is important for me to not take this misbehavior personally. She is not doing this to provoke me. This is normal teen behavior. I am feeling angry. Take a few breaths. I will stay calm, confident and focus on the positive. I need to set some goals and come up with a plan before I talk to her.
Supervision, Monitoring
The strongest predictor of delinquency is a lack of parent involvement and supervision of children’s friendships or progress at school. Children need to know that parents are paying close attention to their activities and schoolwork. Supervision allows parents to give guidance and support while holding their children accountable for following family rules. Parents show children that they are concerned and interested in their children with good supervision. When children are having problems, supervision should increase. Not giving them supervision can make them feel unwanted or unimportant. Teens often push back when we try to supervise them, as they like their freedom. When done well and with compassion, teens will accept supervision, though grudgingly.